Now Where?

9/11 First Responders Bill Passes

2010-12-23T08:20:00.000-07:00

I was really moved this morning when I heard on the radio that both the House and the Senate signed the 9/11 First Responders bill into law on the same day yesterday.

A few days ago I watched some of John Stewart's ranting about it, and I was thrilled today to hear that he was actually able to wake up congress. Kinda cool. You can see some of the Daily Show clips and read more here: http://www.indecisionforever.com/2010/12/20/jon-stewart-and-the-daily-show-may-have-saved-the-911-first-responders-bill/

Here is some of the coverage on NPR's blog: http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2010/12/22/132259544/reports-deal-reached-to-move-9-11-responders-bill-forward?sc=17&f=1001

Only and Already

2010-12-18T14:56:00.000-07:00

Why is it that on Saturday I look at the clock and say, "It's already 2:45" with disbelief that my day as gone so fast? On Tuesday's I look at the same clock and say, "It's only 2:45" in disbelief that my day is creeping at a snails pace. I know that this is true for most people when they are at their job, but I guess I thought it would be different when I became a stay at home mom. I thought that playing with my kids, cooking food, and having play dates would make the day go fly by. And sure, it does when I am with another adult, but when I am left alone with my kid day in day out trying to make the living room a place of exploration and imagination, the time starts to crawl.

The frustrating part of it for me is that if I were to try and simultaneously work on a "project", or read a book while my son explores the in's and out's of the shape sorter, he would inevitably want to sit on my lap and read. But if I sit on the ground next to him and observe his behaviors, (making the time crawl) he will be as happy as can be. Is there a name for this phenomenon? Is this a universal law of child rearing?

In any case, it's Saturday, I have the house to myself, and time is freakin flying by.

My Dog and the Vacuum

2010-12-16T19:53:00.000-07:00

I think it's ironic that Bella, my 6 year old Border Collie, is afraid of the vacuum. I mean she is 3/4 of the reason why I have to vacuum in the first place. Without her long hair clinging to all the furniture, corners, and bookshelves, my house would stay so much cleaner. Although, now that I say that, if I got rid of her all the food my one year old throws around the house would be there to vacuum up. So I guess that's the trade-off, hair for cookie crumbs.

Bracketology by Kutsko

2010-03-17T21:16:00.000-07:00

Here are my picks for this year's March Madness, which I think is a basketball tournament...

Most of my friends know, I'm not a very serious sports fan. When I first clicked on the link in an email inviting me to submit my bracket with a group of friends on cbssports.com, it was pretty overwhelming having that blank bracket staring back at me. I decided to do what any self-respecting, macho, male, head-of-household would do and I asked my friend Kacie for advice. Yep, Kacie's a girl and yep, she knows way more about sports than I do. She's also smarter than me and better at playing sports than I am, so I figured it would be best to outsource my bracket predictions.

Ultimately I didn't go with what she said word for word, instead, I followed my own methodology, which I will reveal to you here and now, for the first time in public:

In the end, Kansas will beat Kentucky and take the gold medal. I know this because that's pretty much what everyone out there is saying. I picked Kentucky to go head to head with them because that sounds like a great basketball game, and with two teams dressed in blue and white, the chances are improved that there will be others watching who can't tell them apart like me, which will make me feel less like a loser.

Now that I've told you the end, let's start from the beginning. The first round is the trickiest to pick because there are so many teams to choose from. I will walk through the detailed science that I used to choose the winners. Then for the later rounds, I will just list the winners and losers.

Round One

Midwest

Kansas will beat Lehigh. I already told you the end, so that's no big surprise. Also, "Le-high" isn't very impressive-sounding.
Northern Iowa will beat UNLV. I'm partial to the midwest, and there's not much to do in Northern Iowa besides visit Fargo on the weekends and play basketball. Just like the corn, they grow the basketball players tall in Iowa.
Michigan State will beat New Mexico State because the Big Ten (with eleven teams) is where I went to school and will always beat places that were territories not all that long ago especially ones where they do a lot of testing with nuclear science. Six fingers can't be helpful when doing layups.
Maryland will beat Houston because Maryland is usually a very good basketball school. Even I know that. I didn't even know that Houston had a college. Everyone I know from Houston just talks about their oil money. Houston is also the next biggest city in the country ahead of Phoenix, so I feel a bit of a rivalry there.
Tennessee will beat Sand Diego State because UT wants to be in the midwest and sometimes they play basketball like they are. Also, who in their right mind would learn to play basketball growing up in San Diego when they could be surfing?!?
Georgetown will beat Ohio. This was a tough one because I grew up in Ohio and I've been to Ohio University for Halloween once while I was in college. All I remember were lots of plastic cups and that I was dressed as a pink bunny. I don't remember them being very good at basketball.
Georgia Tech will beat Oklahoma State. I used to have a Georgia Tech hat that I wore every day. I liked the bee. I thought I was cool. I was not.
Ohio State will beat UC Santa Barbara. This was a no-brainer. Like I said, I went to school in the Big Ten and The Ohio State University is sort of the king of the Big Ten.

West

Syracuse will beat Vermont. I thought about going to both of these schools for college. I did not go to either. Basketball and skiing are both winter sports. You can't really do both. If you live in Vermont and you choose to play basketball instead of ski, I don't want you to win anything.
Gonzaga will beat Florida State. Gonzaga is one of those schools that I never hear about except for during this basketball tournament every year, so they must be doing something right.
Butler will beat UTEP. I had to Google UTEP to even know what that is.
Vanderbilt will beat Murray State. Bob Harter went to Vandy, nuff said.
Xavier will beat Minnesota. This was a tough call for me because I was born in Minnesota but I got married in Cincinnati. Happy wife, happy life, so we'll go with marriage over birth.
Pittsburgh will beat Oakland. Pittsburgh is pretty close to Cleveland, which is where I grew up.
BYU will beat Florida. I don't think I have a good reason, but the folks at BYU are blessed, so that's gotta count for something, right?
I've got Kansas State beating North Texas. That should be a pretty good matchup because Kansas and North Texas are basically the same thing, but Kansas is closer to the midwest and that's where basketball is all that matters.

East

Kentucky will beat East Tennessee State because in order to get to the semi-finals they have to.
Texas will beat Wake Forest. I've been to Austin before and Amy's Ice Creams is amazing! Keep Austin Weird.
Temple will beat Cornell. The people at Cornell are really smart and smart people are not good at sports like the people in Philly. Have you seen the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? "On the playground is where I spent most of my days..." I assume he means playing basketball.
Wisconsin will beat Wofford. Just going with the Big Ten here, folks.
Marquette will beat Washington. I'm just playing favorites on this one.
New Mexico will beat Montana. I don't have a good reason, but I abstained from making an informed decision on this one because neither Montana nor New Mexico are in the East unless you are looking at them from Japan, but even then, I think they are really far West.
Missouri will beat Clemson. This was a tough call. I think Clemson is often good at sports. But, Missouri is closer to the midwest so I went with them.
West Virginia will beat Morgan State. It's unfortunate because we always like to see major upsets. Not this time, though.

South

Duke will beat the University of Arkansas Pine Bluff. North Carolina has a similar basketball tradition to the midwest. Where are the tar-heels? They must be sitting this one out with the Hoosiers.
Louisville will beat California. Louisville is in the South, California is not, so I think the win should stay in the region.
Texas A&M will beat Utah State. My friend Brandon went to A&M.
Purdue will beat Siena. This was a tough call because I went to Indiana University and Hoosiers don't really like Boilermakers. But, these are agricultural and engineering students, so it will be good to have them up against A&M to see which smarty-pantses are better at sports.
Notre Dame will beat Old Dominion. This is because one time I visited Notre Dame. Oh, and remember Rudy?
Baylor will beat Sam Houston. In reality, I just don't see how one guy will be able to stand up to a whole team. Poor Sam.
St. Mary's will beat Richmond. Hail Mary.
Villanova will beat Robert Morris. Maybe Robert and Sam should play one-on-one and stop messing around with our basketball tournament.

Round Two Midwest Kansas v. Michigan State Georgetown v. Ohio State West Syracuse v. Butler Xavier v. BYU East Kentucky v. Wisconsin Marquette v. West Virginia South Duke v. Pursue Baylor v. St. Mary's	Round Three Midwest Kansas v. Ohio State West Syracuse v. BYU East Kentucky v. West Virginia South Duke v. Baylor
Final Four Syracuse v. Duke Kansas v. Kentucky

Crawford, WV

2009-05-16T06:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was in West Virginia, visiting a friend, helping around
the farm after his caretaker suddenly passed away.

Nothing worthwhile to say...

2009-04-11T09:25:00.002-07:00

I have been amazed by how much user-generated content is "out there." I have accounts on Blogger, Facebook and Twitter. I created the Twitter account recently and still haven't "tweeted" anything. How is it possible that there is so much to say? I have nothing that worthwhile to say.

Finally Fall

2008-10-12T18:01:00.001-07:00

When it's cool outside in phoenix, you can hike in the middle of the
day!

Reflections on Visiting Peru

2008-10-11T11:02:00.001-07:00

Of course visiting Paul and Megan in Pucallpa would make me
reflective. They are our dear friends who we rarely see because of
their service with food for the hungry as hunger corps missionaries.
Lauren and I went to college with Paul and Megan in Indiana. Paul was
the best man I'm my wedding and I was his.

Their commitment ends in eleven months, so we talked about what is
next for them. It's always a big question, "what should I do with my
life?"

When we were in college, the decision was obvious. Missions was
clearly the highest call that God could gave on your life. To serve
overseas, that was the presumed chief end of man.

But it's been a difficult two years for Paul and Megan.
Disappointments and unmet expectations, unclear roles and
responsibilities, poor communication, and intercultural relationship
challenges have all contributed to what is looking like it will only
be a one-term assignment.

And God uses those things, of course, but there is still part of me
that responds with frustration and wants to aim my own work and
vocation primarily toward challenges and opportunities that I have
more control over.

But I also believe that work is third and that currently in quasi-
Christian American culture we have elevated our jobs to a level of
importance and significance that God never intended for them to hold
in our lives. I believe work is third. It follows our primary calling
to love God and to love others and our secondary calling to discover
who God has made us to be. So our work us really just of tertiary
importance in the grand scheme of things.

And what about the local church? Certainly my involvement with and
commmitment to a local body of believers should hold some level of
priority in my life, right? And it takes time to invest in a church.
So, even if my work at a particular task or organization in a
particular locale ends, should I be so willing to move on to the next
job, the next place, if it takes me away from the community and
fellowship where God has called me?

I don't know. A lot of unanswered questions, for sure, but a fun trip
nonetheless.

The McCann Family

2008-10-09T15:57:00.000-07:00

Our great friends, Paul (dad), Megan (mom), and Cael (6 month old son)
have lived in the jungle (Pucallpa, Peru) for two years serving with
Food for the Hungry. Paul has started two savings groups teaching
locals to save their money and make loans to other members of the
group, earning all members 10% interest. Megan, when she's not raising
Cael, is a trained occupational therapist who helps disabled people
function independently.

Jungle Oasis

2008-10-09T10:48:00.000-07:00

An important part of any vacation: ice cream.

La Jungla

2008-10-08T11:44:00.000-07:00

Brandon Stark: Ironman

2008-04-14T09:01:00.002-07:00

To my ironfriend, Brandon Stark, after finishing the Arizona Ironman Triathalon yesterday in Tempe, Arizona. These are the details of his race (ironman.com):

BRANDON STARK

BIB

390

AGE

30

STATE/COUNTRY

PHOENIX AZ USA

PROFESSION

EXERCISE PHYSIOLOGIST

SWIM	BIKE	RUN	OVERALL	POSITION
1:14:31	6:19:36	4:20:52	12:04:57	417

RACE LEG	DISTANCE	PACE	POSITION
TOTAL SWIM	2.4 mi. (1:14:31)	1:57/100m	935

FIRST BIKE SEGMENT	36 mi. (3:15:42)	18.63 mph
SECOND BIKE SEGMENT	37 mi. (5:24:14)	17.27 mph
FINAL BIKE SEGMENT	39 mi. (7:39:23)	17.31 mph
TOTAL BIKE	112 mi. (6:19:36)	17.70 mph	743

FIRST RUN SEGMENT	3.5 mi. (8:16:09)	9:09/mile
SECOND RUN SEGMENT	8.5 mi. (9:42:56)	10:12/mile
THIRD RUN SEGMENT	8.5 mi. (11:10:41)	10:19/mile
RUN FINISH	5.7 mi. (12:04:57)	9:31/mile
TOTAL RUN	26.2 mi. (4:20:52)	9:57/mile	417

TRANSITION			TIME
T1: SWIM-TO-BIKE			5:16
T2: BIKE-TO-RUN			4:42

PENALTY			TIME
TOTAL PENALTIES			--:--

My Location: Taos

2008-03-08T16:26:00.001-07:00

36.57081, -105.44530

Current Location

2007-10-06T11:06:00.001-07:00

33.32359, -118.34196

Waiting Place

2007-09-02T20:49:00.001-07:00

So I was reading to my 2 year old friend the other day a Dr. Seuss book called Oh, the Places You'll Go! As i was reading to him I got to a section where the child of the story gets to the dreaded "waiting Place". That's when i realized that's where I have been for the past 2 years. I have been in the waiting place close to 700 days. Why ? Because I didn't want to face what to do with my life. I thought I was just going to get dealt the mom hand. Then I wouldn't have to deal with trying to figure out who i was created to be. What my gifts or talents are. How I could contribute to the world as my own person without being "mom". It has taken me this long to figure out that kids aren't going to define me. Whether my womb can carry a child or not will not determine my sucsess as a woman. But in that same breath I am also afraid of what i will contribute. Mostly afraid of failing. Less failing and more wasting money as i try and figure it out.

I am so thankful for my husband. He doesn't pressure me or say things to make me feel like we should have had a child by now. This past year we have seen doctors, had hormone tests, been analysed, had hydrocolon therapy all to the end of eventually carrying a child. In that journey we learned more about ourselves than we thought possible, had more arguments than i'd like, and all the while fell deeper in love. It wasn't pretty and often it hurt.
I am not saying I am out of the waiting room.

Current Location

2007-07-15T07:47:00.001-07:00

40.44438, -79.94868
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania near Carnegie Mellon University

Current Location

2007-06-16T04:14:00.001-07:00

Savannah Pensione
Savannah, GA

32.06745 -81.09242

Current Location

2007-06-07T03:53:00.001-07:00

13.69049, 100.75405 -- the ceiling of the Bangkok airport is glass, so
I can pickup GPS. I am only here on a layover.

Self-Worth

2007-06-06T10:34:00.001-07:00

Near Bogra, Bangladesh

After a long journey - I left Cleveland on Saturday at noon, stopped in Washington DC, Frankfurt, Munich and Doha before landing in Dhaka at 7a on Monday morning. It was 9p Monday night before I was able to lay down in a bed and that was after 6 hours in a van out to some of the communities where we do much of our work.

On Monday night we met with a group of Men who has been meeting for 11 years. Their main purpose initially was to collectively save their money. Often, incomes are so low that one person does not have even enough to open their own bank account. So, by combining their savings with another 15 men, they can pool their resources and put them all into a bank account. The group then decides on principles and policies and goals for that account and even loans to members of the group for low interest so that the group members can do things like start their own businesses.

Tuesday's community visits were even more interesting. Bangladesh is surrounded by the country of India, which is Hindu and lives by the caste system. Most of Bangladesh is Muslim, however, which is partially why it is its own separate country. There are still pockets of Hinduism and the castes. The lowest caste, referred to as the "untouchables," in many ways is cursed to live life in the margins. They aren't looked at, touched, etc. and for the most part work as street sweepers, a job that no one else will take because they know that it is reserved only for those who are the lowest of the low in society. One of Food for the Hungry's projects in particular is focused around a community of Hindu untouchables. We have started a school for children in this caste to prepare them for primary school. So often, because their parents are certain that they will sweep streets for a living, they do not see the value in sending their kids to school. In many ways, this translates into an inability to see value in oneself at all, which usually leads to dropping out of school even for those kids who do make it.

The preschool is designed to teach the kids the things they will need to know in primary school, like any preschool would be. But, more importantly, the preschool is designed to teach them confidence. Based on the idea that all people are created by God and have inherent worth, with a sense of self-worth these kids can enter primary school and survive through the ridicule of their peers. It was pretty powerful as we got to sit in on a class where the teacher asked each child to stand and recite what they had eaten that day for breakfast, taking great care to affirm each child simply for being there.

The self-image of women and children in Bangladesh is a huge obstacle that Food for the Hungry has been working for the last 30 years to break down. It truly is revolutionary to see the walls tumble after a long time sewing those seeds.

Current Location

2007-06-03T19:56:00.001-07:00

23.85839, 90.40188

Current Location

2007-06-03T10:12:00.001-07:00

25.26805, 51.55960

Current Location

2007-06-01T07:52:00.001-07:00

41.28799, -81.59241

Teary-Eyed

2006-08-19T16:09:00.000-07:00

I am on an airplane…again. The movie Mission Impossible: III just ended and I found myself getting emotional during two parts, one when Ethan and Julia were getting married in the hospital, and then again at the end, as they are walking out of the IMF after Julia gets such a warm reception from all of Ethan’s friends and coworkers. They all clap as the two of them hold hands heading towards their honeymoon, and their new life together as one flesh. This blog really isn’t about Tom Cruise, though, it is about how I find myself getting emotional during these scenes in movies aren’t generally meant to get people emotional. You should see me weep when I watch things like The Notebook.

I’ve always been a big movie-cryer. I remember when I was in elementary school and the movie Home Alone came out and I cried like a baby at the very end when Kevin runs downstairs expecting to see his mom and he goes around the house yelling her name but unable to find her. I did not handle that scene well. But lately, it’s gotten worse, the most harmless scene in an action flick like MI3 will get me weepy.

I’ve noticed it in other areas too, with passion and excitement, and with missing my wife when I travel. These are things that I did not experience prior to a few months ago – or, if I did experience them, no one chose to tell me about it. It’s almost like the emotion-experiencing side of my brain has been hibernating and now the winter is over. I don’t know what’s going on.

Another area I have been noticing this arousal in is with my job. Two years ago I unassumingly pursued an opportunity that came up at an international organization located in Phoenix. Our purpose is ending all forms of human poverty worldwide. Impossible as that sounds, I believe that it is God’s desire to see that happen, and that gives me the motive to work in this area. I have always loved Food for the Hungry’s work, but about six months ago something in me came alive for the poor of this world. I got excited about helping them, walking with them in their poorness, and seeking to understand the perspectives that they have about the world we live in.

As a bonus to having this newfound work to do and passion to pursue, I have been able to see and experience so much more of the world by visiting places that I had not been before. In the past 22 months I have seen the pages on my passport fill up with stamps and it’s been fun as well as grueling at times. New cities that I have traveled to outside the US (including airports so that the list is longer) include: Frankfurt, Rome, Vancouver, Seoul, Phnom Penh, Bangkok, Osaka, London, Tai Pei, and Hong Kong; this has been a true blessing.

In some ways, even as I say that I have found passion for the poor, that is also a scary thought. The West does not have a very good track record and in some places reputation for doing good, lasting work when they try to help. In many ways our passion to help those less fortunate than ourselves often gives us rich countries a sense of license to meddle in things that we really know nothing about.

Anyway, I have a lot of random thoughts in my head, as you can tell. I guess that is what happens when you don’t hear from me for 2 months.

I mainly just wanted to share my own excitement with you about being excited about something.

What I want for my life....but don't really understand

2006-06-05T09:21:00.002-07:00

As long as I live, I will only love my Lord
With all my heart, strenth and mind, I will only love my Lord
Regardless of what happens, I will only love my Lord
In all my actions and words, I will only love my Lord.

In times of humility and learning, I will only love my Lord
In times of joy and gladness, I will only love my Lord
Whether I face hunger or if I'm full, I will only love my Lord
I am his in life or death, I will only love my Lord.

The Lord has sacrificed his life for me
My deep sin has been pardoned
I have dedicated all my life to him
I will only love my Lord.

by Yun

Suns burn

2006-05-31T16:11:00.000-07:00

I don't watch sports. I could get into it if my husband was intersted, but he's not. However, I have been keeping tabs on the Suns during this tourney and as I have watched I am starting to doubt that these games are for real. It is just hard for me to believe that we win one...then they win one...then we win one...and then they win won...etc. I think it's staged. It's fake..just like the WWF. They have to make it a 7 game series because of all the money these games generate... the network get's more money from the commericials, local sports bars have more people to serve, taxicab drivers have more drunks to take home, Casinos take more bets...you get the picture. Even though it is still fun to watch...in the back of my mind I feel like I have been taken advantage of.

Living a Lie the Past 12 Weeks

2006-05-22T18:20:00.000-07:00

In April I found out I was pregnant, and to be perfectly honest at the same time I was really happy and super insecure. I don't know how to be a mom. You might call me vain but I don't want to be a dork mom who wears "Mom Jeans". I don't want to let myself go because I have a snotty, poopie kid who takes all my time and doesn't leave me any to take care of myself. I don't want to be a mom afraid to leave her baby with a babysitter. I don't want to be a mom that freaks every time the child cries, or falls down. I have met a few cool mom's, my mom being one of them so I know that I can do it...but you can't do it alone. you have to have people holding you accountable.

Something else that bothered me was the disconnect between what some peoples reaction is to my pregnancy and to what I was actually feeling. Some people...not all ...but some people coo and aww and say, "this is such a precious time in your life...you must be floating your so excited"...and I kinda just want to stare at them and say ..."Actually I feel like I haven't slept in 3 days even though I just got up from a 2 hour nap, my clothes don't fit, I want to vomit, and every time I stand up I get dizzy. So actually no it doesn't seem precious to me it seems like it really sucks, and if this is how I am going to feel the rest of my life then this was the biggest mistake I have ever made."

Of course, I won't feel like this forever. I was actually looking forward to the second trimester when they say you get all your energy back and look pretty cute without being gigantic.
But this past Friday we went in to the doctor to find the heartbeat...and it wasn't there. So they sent us to get an ultrasound to get a photo of the baby. But when we looked inside there were just two empty holes. Just two empty holes where babies should have been growing. They call is Blighted Ovum. They tell me babies were never growing and that my body just thought I was pregnant because it was an early pregnancy failure that my body didn't register.

SO BASICALLY I HAVE BEEN FEELING CRAPPY FOR NO REASON!

I feel betrayed by my body. So after the doctors have cleansed my womb from everything in it...I think I am going to go on a detox fast, get a massage, pedicure, manicure, eye brow wax, hair color, hair cut, and start working out like I want to again. I am starting over. A fresh start to hopefully a new pregnancy even though the first twelve weeks bite.

Cheers

2006-04-26T01:18:00.000-07:00

That’s what people say here after a brief interaction, as if to say, “later alligator,” but in a much cooler, more uplifting, European sort of way.

People keep asking me how the places are that I visit because I have been traveling so much for work lately, and I feel like a total lame-o because the only answer I can give with any amount of honesty is that most places are the same.

I am hoping that this current trip to London will be different because my wife, Lauren, is joining me here this weekend and so we should be able to visit some sites and actually see the town, but until this weekend, one airport Sheraton is like all the rest.

Right-O!

Do you think I have bird flu?

2006-04-01T23:47:00.000-07:00

I was forced to eat this yesterday by the cultural pressure of 15 Cambodians living in a rural village as they surrounded the dining area and stared at the westerners who they have the opportunity to spend time with maybe three times per year.

The meal was the centerpiece of a day visiting different Food for the Hungry development projects in the Cambodian countryside.

It was an amazing day and I will never be the same.

Sisters

2006-03-20T21:00:00.000-07:00

From as far back as i can remember my sister and i were as different as day and night. Everyone always said that. She was clean. i was messy. I was a good eater. She would only eat foods that were white. I could do a cartwheels. She could sit and play a whole game of monopoly. I was the extroverted and she was the introverted. She was just like dad and I was just like mom. She sucked her thumb. I never sucked my thumb. She lives in NYC rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous, I live in phoenix and have goats in my backyard. She has had a best friend since she was in kindergarten. I have had a lot of different friends. She looks amazing in anything she puts on. I look like I have kankles in most things I wear. She is an amazing clothes shopper. I can't make it through one store without feeling like I shouldn't buy it. (probably cause I always get her hand-me-downs)
But there are so many times when I want to be just like her!
Cheers to you Kate!

When my Lover is away

2006-03-20T17:07:00.000-07:00

When my lover is away I talk to my dog.
When my lover is away I'm afraid of the dark.
When my lover is away I question who I am.
When my lover is away I don't make dinner.
When my lover is away I park sideways in the garage.
When my lover is away I sleep with the lights on.
When my lover is away I have to be the first one up in the morning.
When my lover is away I have to do the dishes.
When my lover is away I smell his clothes.
When my lover is away I sleep on his side of the bed.
When my lover is away I want my lover home.

Cheese Grater Cereal

2006-01-19T11:34:00.000-07:00

You’re probably familiar with the subtle injury that can get inflicted on the roof of one’s mouth after eating particularly rough or sharp foods. Maybe you had a lollipop that cracked as you were sucking on it or ate through a bag of tortilla chips with such reckless passion and disregard for your own safety that you came away from the event with mild cuts and scrapes. In any case, I think you know what I’m talking about.

Well, lately this has been happening to me a lot for some reason. I don’t usually notice while it is happening, but it will be ex post facto, after I have finished eating the unsafe meal that I notice that the roof of my mouth has been torn to shreds. It is sore, bruised, maybe even bleeding, and I am forced to reflect on which baked ciabatta loaf sandwich it was that did this to me. I don’t know why it has been happening more recently, and I don’t know why I don’t notice while I am eating so that I discontinue my consumption of the dangerous food. It makes me think that I am masticating with such force and intensity that even if I do stop to think, “ouch, this really hurts,” I wouldn’t even care, because, darn it, this tastes really delicious.

Must you?

2006-01-07T12:41:00.000-07:00

I am the oldest of 4 children in my family. Growing up, it was very high on my priority list to annoy my younger siblings. Flicking earlobes, making mean faces, antagonistic comments, anything that earned a raised-voice exclamation of, “don’t make me turn this car around!” from a parent made it into my toolbox for the trade of teasing my beloved family members. Where does this desire come from? Even now, adulthood is right around the corner, supposedly, and I’m still very interested in teasing my friends, coworkers, and my beautiful wife. Obviously these harmless, yet fun, actions against these people in my life is not very well received or appropriate, which usually forces me to reserve these actions for the one being in my life who is powerless against my annoying behavior, my dog Bella. So, I find myself frequently flicking her ears instead. Anyway, I just thought it was interesting that I find in myself such a strong desire to annoy.

Happy New Year 2005 and 31536001 Seconds

2006-01-01T21:17:00.000-07:00

Because of the discrepancy between an ephemeris second (the fraction 1/31,556,925.9747 of the tropical year for 1900 January 0 at 12 hours ephemeris time) and the second of atomic time (the duration of 9,192,631,770 periods of the radiation corresponding to the transition between the two hyperfine levels of the ground state of the cesium 133 atom), we're left with more than leap years. In order to ensure that the atomic time and civil stay coordinated, "Civil time is occasionally adjusted by one second increments to ensure that the difference between a uniform time scale defined by atomic clocks does not differ from the Earth's rotational time by more than 0.9 seconds.
Excerpt From: citation

I just read this online, and frankly, it upsets me. Why would someone write something like this? Is the world not confusing enough without this sort of information?

Happy Birthday, Jesus

2005-12-24T08:46:00.000-07:00

When we got married three and a half years ago and then Christmas rolled around, we decided that it was our American duty to send Christmas letters to our beloved friends and family. There was something about the process, though, that kind of bothered me. Here we are in a world that has transitioned into email, cell phones, blogs, web sites, TiVo, and, as I recently discovered, frozen bell pepper slices at Trader Joes – excellent for omelets and quesadillas! How is it that we are still running mail merges and compiling lists of postal addresses and paying $.37 per letter to send them around each year. And, why let Hallmark decide what sentiment we want to convey? Besides, my hands cramp easily and by the fifth signature you’re much more likely to receive a ‘bah-hum-bug’ than a ‘Merry Christmas’ from me.

2005 is the year Lauren and I started blogging. The word, ‘blog’ is short for ‘web log’ and it describes a relatively new way for anyone to publish his or her thoughts for the perusing of the world. Blogs have been a hit in the policitical realm, for college students, and for people like me who have a lot to say that no one wants to hear. Blogging makes it easy for anyone who wants to catch up on another person’s life to go to their website and read something general and recent. Blogging seems like a great way to accomplish what Christmas letters were meant to accomplish.

We didn’t send a letter last year, so there is a lot to update you on. To be honest, this letter has kind of overwhelmed me because of the self-induced pressure to supply the best 730 day update possible.

For one, Lauren and I both changed jobs. She is training new classes of vacation sales agents at US Airways, which after their recent merger with America West Airlines is headquartered in nearby Tempe. She started last January. I started just before Thanksgiving 2004 at Food for the Hungry. Headquartered in Phoenix, our vision is to see the end of physical and spiritual hungers worldwide. FH is faith-based and nonprofit. I’m working as an assistant to the President of the US office.

In April of 2004 we bought our first house. We live about 5 miles from the center of downtown Phoenix and very close to the base of one of the Phoenix Mountain Preserves, where we do a lot of hiking. After a few months we figured we may as well also get a dog, so our Border Collie, Bella, keeps us company, and wakes us up every morning by six. With a house, two cars, and a dog, who knows, a kid could be right around the corner… (this comment should in no way be misconstrued as an announcement)

By token of my new job with an international organization and Lauren working for an airline, 2005 was the year of travel for us. I ended up in both Seoul, Korea and Bangkok, Thailand, and I only spent a weekend working in each! I didn’t even give jet lag a chance. Domestically, I was sent to San Francisco, Los Angeles, Austin, Boston, New York, Lake Mead, Denver, and Washington DC. For fun Lauren and I made it to Lake Tahoe, Savannah, Hilton Head, Los Angeles, San Diego, Pennsylvania, and New York City. It’s been fun but exhausting and we are ready to make 2006 the year of sitting on the couch.

Things in Phoenix are wonderful. We have been pleasantly surprised with how much we like it. In 2004 Phoenix passed Philadelphia to be the fifth largest city in the country, and living in a large metropolitan area is new for both Lauren and I. We originally came to Arizona to help some friends of ours plant a church and that endeavor has been going well for the past two years. We enjoy the friends that we have made living in this new part of the world. The geography in this state is diverse and keeps us active. In 45 minutes we can get away from the 1000 foot elevation desert floor of Phoenix into the nearby mountains for cool camping and hiking in the national forest. We’ve realized that we like to be close to the action of a big city and an international airport, but want to be able to escape easily into the wilderness. In November Lauren and I participated in a 7-Summit challenge to hike the seven tallest mountains in Phoenix, all of them about a 1000 foot climb. It was an intense 11-hour day from sunrise to sunset and about 20 miles of hiking. We had a lot of fun, and it was good, and on the seventh day, we rested.

We love hosting visitors when they come to see the Grand Canyon or when they want to shop in Scottsdale, so please, look us up and pop in if you’re ever in town!

Merry Christmas,

Loren and Lauren Kutsko

Cheers to Pre-Natal Vitamins.

2005-12-21T08:29:00.000-07:00

Pre-Natal vitamins have changes my life. For the past 4 years I have been known as a good sleeper. My mom tells me I could sleep on a meat hook. I could take any opportunity and turn it into a nap, after-school nap, after-work nap, riding in the car to the grocery store nap. I could wake up in the morning and 1 hour later go back to bed. I used to say I hover above sleep all day just waiting for the right moment to rest my eyes. I would go to bed at 9pm and get up at 7am take a nap from 3pm to 5:30 and do it all again the next day. But now I started taking a pre-natal vitamin everyday because someone recommended it to help with hair and nail growth and it’s a good all around vitamin. I have had a few people ask me if they make you lactate and no they don’t. Not only do I have great nails now, and have to pay for more hair coloring but I am not tired. I don’t even think about naps or sneaking to bed early. In fact I am able to stay up later than Jack. Jack used to think I was lazy, but now he knows that it was just an iron deficiency, and currently I am running circles around him.

This does go deeper. Because of my previous ability to sleep I used it to forget about my life or a rough day. I would just crawl into bed and wake up forgetting why I went to bed mad. I tried that the other day out of habit and tossed and turned. I got up more frustrated than I went in and thought I would have to find another drug….maybe sex.

Cheers to pre-natal vitamins.

Insecurity...Security

2005-12-12T22:41:00.000-07:00

Someone said to me today that insecurity is the root of all of our problems. That makes sense to me. It is when I am insecure about something that I worry about it and make choices to compensate for it which end up doing more harm than good and come out in the mistakes I make.

But then I was thinking about security and how many problems it causes for me too. When I am around people who like me and who affirm me, then I start to get comfortable with who I am and out of that comfort come even worse mistakes than the ones I make out of my insecurity.

Which brings me to the moral of the story, which is that I think God is bringing me through a time in my life when I am supposed to be learning that I am not perfect. I think that because lately I have been acutely aware of my faults and inadequacies. A typical thought process for me goes like this, “[insert judgment of someone else here], [insert self-condemning thought for being judgmental here], [insert frustration with myself over my inability to make up my mind here].”

On the bright side, I guess I am learning…

Wisdom

2005-12-12T06:47:00.000-07:00

The book of Proverbs confuses me. For example, here is my thought process after reading the 23rd verse of chapter 29:

One's pride will bring him low,
but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor.

After reading the first line, I think, “Pride – bad, don’t be prideful. Don’t think about myself at all, desire the good of other’s more than my own good.” And these are all thoughts that I feel like are moving me in some way closer to a “lowly spirit,” but then just when I think I’ve got it Solomon goes and tries to use obtaining honor to motivate me towards lowliness, which seems totally contrary.

What’s a Christ-follower to do?

This Week's Lessons

2005-12-11T14:15:00.000-07:00

As I get older I realize how slow I am at getting things, specifically things related to how I affect other people. This week, here’s what I’m slowly getting:

For most people, sarcasm is not considered a love language

Don’t tease people about the one thing that they have confided in you about

Never make fun of anyone with the Myers-Briggs personality type, ENFP, ever

Confessions...

2005-12-11T14:05:00.000-07:00

Confessions…

…That’s what makes the difference between a friend and a good friend, it’s the acceptance you get after revealing the brutal truth about yourself. I was with a friend like that recently, who I felt comfortable sharing some of my weirdest idiosyncrasies and thoughts with, and the beauty of the friendship, the proof of the friendship comes in his response to those confessions, the delicate balance that he can maintain between the accepting laugh about the humor of it at the same time that he reminds me that God wants me to be better, so don’t get stuck where I am. That’s a difficult balance to maintain, so when you find someone who receives you that well, hold on to them.

Intense Beauty ... Intense Pain

2005-12-07T06:52:00.000-07:00

A friend and I were just talking about the loneliness of marriage, which, to many sounds like an oxymoron. But it’s true. I know for me, at least, I spent most of my single life wishing that I had someone to keep me company through all of life’s adventures, but more importantly through it’s un-adventures – the mundane. Even now, after I’ve been married for three years (which, I know, is not long) I still find myself longing to be kept company. The holidays are such great times to rediscover longing. I look at the Christmas lights as I drive around late at night and I think to myself, “I wish I had someone to share this with.” But isn’t that weird? Because I do have someone to share it with. I am in a lifelong, committed, intimate, fun, romantic marriage relationship that is all about, if nothing else, sharing life together.

And, I guess, there is the irony. God creates us to know Him intimately and wholly and then He creates the opposite gender to keep us company. That triangle, the three of us, are supposed to be complete – ready to live out life with all of our needs met. But then we sin, and so that pair, man and woman, is forced to navigate through what was created to be a sin-free relationship with all the baggage that sin creates. Can you imagine? Why would God in his infinite wisdom not come up with some sort of contingency plan for this?

I don’t quite get it, but the thing I do know is that if walking with God and growing closer to Him can be defined simplistically as growing in understanding of his holiness and my sinfulness and how far separated we truly are. And that understanding giving us the opportunity to allow what He did at the Cross to grow exponentially to fill that chasm between Him and us, then marriage in spite of sin makes more sense than anything else I can fathom.

Since I’ve been married (which, again, is only three years) my depth of comprehension of how fallible I am has moved so far beyond what I could have understood on my own. And, when the intimacy does work, which is admittedly rare, the beauty is so intense, so extreme, that it can only give me a glimpse of how immensely perfect God is. So, it’s like watching myself get unstuck with myself. If I had stayed single, I would have had so much control over the details of my life, the intricate details, like where to hang pictures on the wall and what drawer to put my socks in, that I would have been able to essentially avoid all serious confrontation. Anything remotely uncomfortable or stretching wouldn’t make it into my world. My life would be a breeze. But instead, I chose life together with someone and so a breeze it is not. Where to hang the picture and what to do with the socks are some of the more ordinary group decisions that marriage forces us to deal with, and they can even add a level of conflict. But bring in the really heavy stuff, like spending and savings, career, Lamaze or epidural, children’s education, etc. and life is like one gigantic, heavy discussion.

But the intermediate result, after a mere three years is that I understand more about what love means -- that it has little to do with tingly feelings in the pit of my stomach or passionate kisses at the airport, although those are often a part of it. Love has more to do with the mundane and love has a lot to do with loneliness. When I feel the most lonely, do I choose to move towards my bride in our marriage? Or, do I find a guy friend to have a beer with and complain to? Or worse yet, do I find solace in another young woman and commit emotional adultery (or worse) by engaging in too-deep conversation? The harder decision and the right decision are often times the same decision. Choosing the more difficult path of moving towards my wife in spite of the pain and the let down of misunderstanding and conflict is what love is all about. Choosing to make my relationship with Lauren the most intimate relationship I have and seeking to understand even when it all seems futile; that is what makes a loving relationship.

Thanks for listening.

The Funny Ways We Refer to Our Women

2005-11-29T08:24:00.000-07:00

In the past few days I have had people refer to their wives using the following metaphors:

“boss”

“warden”

“hall-monitor”

I find this interesting.

That’s all.

That's Disgusting

2005-11-11T06:41:00.000-07:00

I was reading an article this morning that talked about a church that bought a booth at the world’s largest porn show, Erotica LA, and this is the third consecutive year that it has done it. My take is that they are following in the footsteps of Jesus, going where most of the super-religious won’t go. One quote that stuck out to me was from a paraplegic named James who said, “If you want to help me, don’t pray for me, give me money so I can buy a prostitute to touch me … no one will touch me.” And that’s not even the disgusting part.

What’s disgusting is that the church in America has a lot of power, people, and cash. We elected George W. Bush, some other pretty big-deal political things are probably going to change because we have James Dobson on our side, we build gigantic churches and promise people health and wealth if they would only just believe and invite Christ into their hearts, and we’re tackling issues like world poverty and HIV/AIDS with relatively good chances of success. The problem is, that if you look at all of that through the same eyes that judge success by what kind of car you drive, how early you retire, and how many people you have reporting to you, then you will see a successful church as well. But we’re not. We are failures, through and through. Here’s a guy, can’t walk, right, and the first place he goes JUST TO BE TOUCHED i.e. loved on, is not the church, it is a woman whose “love” he can purchase.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not condemning the church in America. For me to do that I would have to leave it, and I am pretty much stuck in it. What I am doing is condemning our hearts, mine and everyone else’s because it’s easier to be “successful” than it is to love the unloved, to touch the untouched. If you could only see inside me, you would be just as frightened to touch me or come near me as most of us are to go near the crippled, diseased, and homeless. I like how Jeff Cross put it here in his blog, that we are all corrupt. It’s so true.

You probably want me to shift gears and talk about how despite all of our corruption and ugliness God still decided to go to the hard place and become man, walk with us on earth, and then die on a cross so that our corruption would no longer be what God sees when He looks at us but rather righteousness, pure and holy. But I’m not going to go there right now. I think we’re already pretty good at being excited by our own righteousness. I want to dwell here on how poorly we are doing as an organization right now without quickly rushing to the trite, arrogant answer we have to it all.

Simple things

2005-11-10T09:46:00.000-07:00

I love it when I’m driving towards a stop light and it turns green and I don’t have to slow down
I love waiting for a package to arrive in the mail
I love getting in the car for a longer drive when I have a new cd to listen to

On another note, we live in the fifth biggest city in the country, our house is five miles from the center of that city. Every morning at 4:30, there are like a thousand roosters that wake me up with their cock-a-doodle-dooing. What the?

Mr. Sensitivity

2005-11-09T10:15:00.000-07:00

I am an incredibly sensitive person. I KNOW, I know what you’re thinking. You’re double-checking the font on this blog to see if it is written in italics and thus, is written by Lauren-Marie. But it’s true, this is the boy here talking and I have come to the realization this past weekend for the eleventy-billionth time that I am incredibly sensitive.

I love organizing groups of people to do things together. I like to be a gatherer. It also probably has to do with control, because I often don’t like what other people decide to do, so I know that if I take the lead first, I’ll have more fun. A lot of people I was with on Saturday night will probably read this, so I’ve considered not writing it, but I think I will anyway, because I try to be transparent as much as I can, and I also figure if you don’t like me for who I really am and what I really think and how sensitive I can truly be, then okay, that’s fine.

But, we went to this movie, a pretty unmanageably large group of us did, and in order to make it more manageable, I tried to come up with a meeting spot so that no one had to save anyone’s seats. That idea worked pretty well, so that’s good. But after the movie was over, people naturally decided to go hang out somewhere and picked the same place, which is also the worst restaurant that you can go to for a big group of people. And when they asked if I wanted to come I totally wanted to go out and to be with them, but I knew there wasn’t going to be a table big enough and so I said “maybe” I’d come. And I was supposed to call some other friends to join us but I knew they wouldn’t fit either. So I was torn between just not going and looking like I don’t like my friends but still communicating to these other friends that I like them, or going to the restaurant and having to diss these other friends, etc. So I decided to go to the restaurant and when I showed up, they actually expected me to sit in the aisle. It was awkward, and uncomfortable, and I didn’t even want to eat anything. So I just sat there and moped and rolled my eyes at their conversations, because that’s how judgmental I am.

So, I was a drag to be around and left early and I thought it was just because I was being pissy, but I realized after further examining my heart that I just felt hurt, like my friends didn’t really want me around. Because if they did, they would have picked a restaurant where we could push tables together or something. It’s stupid, I realize that, but the point of this blog is what a cry-baby sensitive person I am, not about how intelligent my thought processes are.

So, this night where 20 people go to a movie together doesn’t make me feel loved and surrounded by friends, it makes me feel ignored, and that seems backwards. And then I don’t know what to do with those feelings, which is probably why I don’t come across as a hyper-sensitive person, because I have to hide my sensitivity behind some strange combination of aloof, friendly, and sarcastic because I know that if I leave myself open to the pain, then I will feel pain at every little thing, like when friends choose the wrong restaurant. (NOTE: that’s the first time in this blog that I didn’t spell restaurant wrong and have WORD correct it)

Anyway, what do I do? Since that Saturday night I’ve thought of these solutions:

Don’t go to movies in groups

Don’t have friends

Try to pick a place to go before other people so the place is right

Let yourself cry in front of people, which, in turn, would lead to option B

Become a recluse

Keep wearing my aloof, friendly, sarcastic mask

I don’t know, none of those seem good. So anyway, that’s how sensitive I am.

The Control I Don't Have

2005-10-17T18:11:00.000-07:00

In response to the fact that I can't control most of what is around me, I super-control all of the things that I think I do have control over. The simple fact is, that even for me, a control-freak, I can only influence -- not control -- most things: my wife, my friends, coworkers, the stock market, the weather, etc. and that's hard for someone like me to hear. So what I do is, I create systems and routines and rituals to prove to myself that there are some things that I do have control over. Generally, on a day-to-day basis this life philosophy works for me, and I feel pretty confident that at least my world, is under control.

20 minutes ago I got hit by a car on my bike.

I was riding home from work, as I usually do, but today is a wet day in Arizona, which means that it was drizzling a little bit during the afternoon so the roads were slick. I decided to brave it anyway (control) and I was riding aggressively like I usually do. The error of my ways that I have realized is that my bike is not my car. It does not come with airbags and seat belts and other life-saving devices. Nor does it surround me with a protective shell. I learned this today as I did something that is very habitual in a car, I started moving when the light turned green (actually, I anticipated it a little bit) but the cars that were turning left from the oncoming lanes were doing what I also often do, driving through the yellow to keep traffic moving during rush-hour. Well, my minimal level of control over things was shown to me in Technicolor (forest green, to be exact) when the Dodge Caravan came to a screeching halt with my bike half underneath it’s front bumper. I was a little bit angry, at first, but it actually went away fairly quickly (I’ll cross my fingers that that is the Holy Spirit at work) and I just dragged my bike off of the road. A few people stopped to ask me if I was okay, I asked for the business card of the driver who hit me, and then I called Lauren to pick me up.

I’m still walking, in fact, I left the scene relatively unscathed, especially considering what could have happened. I’ve included a picture of my only injury for your entertainment.

Praise God, that I am okay, and that He cares enough to kick me upside the head every now and then without doing any real damage

Being Vintage is in

2005-09-07T08:17:00.000-07:00

Everywhere I go I am seeing the old come back in as new. I see things my great grandma probably wore and most likely hated like itchy lace. But I am getting into it. I am not only fascinated with the clothes and the make up, but knowing and understanding what it was like to be a 19th century woman.

I was recently digging through old pictures in my parent’s basement and found some of my great grandma and grandma that are absolutely beautiful. They look so dignified and strong but at the same time delicate and graceful. Maybe it’s the hair styles or that the pics are in black and white but I really want to go back to those days where everything was a little more prim and proper.

I understand that when you go back to that time there was cruelty that is so horrific with slaves, women and Native Americans that it is unforgivable and shouldn’t be revisited for the sake of being prim or proper. So I am not interested in going back to that part of history.

What I would like to revisit is the pace of life. People were able to focus on a project for more than a day. Sisters delivered each others babies, and family and friends helped build each other’s houses. People weren’t so disconnected from each other as we are today. I guess what I am trying to say here is that their lives seemed deeper than mine. It’s like they understood more about what life really means.

My theory is that if we take where we have come from and all the advances we have, and mix a little time and soul into it I think we’d all come out a little more prim and proper!

cant get a word in around here...

2005-09-01T21:58:00.000-07:00

my first attempt to blog. here goes.

To be quite honest the idea of keeping a journal is a discipline that I have always wanted to have, but never consistently do. Sure in high school I kept one that had all the boys names that I had ever kissed, and who was going out with who. As I moved to college it turned more into which guys I thought I might be able to marry, and I still wrote about who was crushing on who. But now in college the way I wrote felt more like a prayer journal. "Dear God please don't let me be single too much longer...that boy looks nice, will you please make him my husband" That kinda got old and thank goodness those prayers weren't answered who knows where I would be.

So now I enter the world of blogging and like most things in my life it will probably be awesome at first and by next thursday I will forget that I have a blog. But since it is the new way to share life I will try my best to keep up. And wouldn't you know, I found out that my husband Loren has been blogging for the past year and I have never read them. hmmm...I am not sure what the means in our relationship.

The seed of blogging started when I was on a run this morning with my friend Kira. Who by the way has legs that come to my shoulders. She is the gazelle and I am the warthog. Try and picture those two running at the same pace, only one looks pretty.

I look forward to whatever this blog thing might develop into. I can tell I am thinking more about blogs, for it took me 3 days just to write this one.

cheers friends

Wheres My List?

2005-09-01T18:05:00.000-07:00

NOTE: I do realize the hypocrisy of my perpetuating the same blogging phenomenon that I condemned here and I’m okay with it.

It’s interesting to me that a) Brandon Stark’s original list has become so popular, and b) that it is such an appealing idea to write one of our own. I wonder why. My guess is that most of us feel pretty unknown by the world around us. I know I do. All of the constructs that exist in life for the purpose of community and relationship fail me.

The people I see every week at church.
Friends I have outside of church.
The people that I work with every day.
My family.
My wife.
Bella, my border collie.

And, I fail them worse.

I don’t want to see them as often as I should. I don’t care as deeply about their lives as I wish I did. Most of the time I would rather sit by myself and watch a movie than I would invest the time and energy it takes to ask good questions, to get into an argument, or wax philosophical with someone in order to grow deeper with them. Or flowers, I don’t buy flowers for Lauren nearly as often as I should. And, right now, I should write a note on my hand, “pick up flowers,” but I won’t. I’m the same way with God too, I fail Him all the time, so it’s not like I’m discriminating against just humans.

It’s funny to me, with failure so prevalent in life, how much of a focus I make out of success. Impossible. Futile. That’s what I say.

Thank God for Jesus, who gives me an idenity worth having, meaning that makes life worth putting up with, and a friend who doesn't about all the mean thoughts I think.

Stop Whispering

2005-09-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

I basically use my blog to vent, so why stop now?

I think one of the most annoying things that you can do as a romantic couple is whisper to each other when other people are around. It’s so common, though, it’s almost like people think that because they’re romantically involved that they have license to ignore both etiquette and politeness.

Here’s the scenario: You’re at a party or a gathering, or whatever. Everyone’s hanging out, having a good time, talking, but things have slowed down a bit, and it’s obvious that some of the people are too cool to continue chatting and instead they need to be entertained. Now, this moment could be awkward if they let it be known that they want to leave, so they nudge their significant other and then whisper what is obvious to everyone else in the room are the words, “How are you doing?” or “I’m ready when you are,” or “Do you want to leave?” Which all mean the same thing. Then, a few minutes later the couple announces it’s fatigue and intention to depart.

I say that’s lame. It’s about time that these dynamic duo’s started figuring out ways to not alienate the people around them all the time and came up with a better way.

Some ideas:

Invent an inconspicuous signal
Just say it aloud, no one’s going to hold it against you that you want to leave
Leave the room to talk
Decide ahead of time what time you are planning to escape

Anyway, if I wrote the world’s rule book, this would be in it, but I don’t, so who cares? No one. But that’s the point of this blog, right, to have my very own personal soap box???

A day or so in Korea

2005-08-27T02:15:00.000-07:00

Late Wednesday night I left Phoenix to spend the weekend in Seoul, South Korea. It’s my first time here, and let me tell you, South Korea does have Seoul, that’s for sure.

But, all kidding aside, the food here is great, as long as you go for the Korean BBQ. The other stuff, which tends to be soupy and often has a cold broth, in my opinion, is just gross. That, and I have trouble with chopsticks. Being here has been interesting, and of course educational. The first thing I learned was that the Asians are way ahead of us as far as cellular technology goes. My blackberry doesn’t even come close to working here because my fellow Americans haven’t a clue when it comes to regulating the use of the radio spectrum.

And, I’ve also gotten into some conversations about Korean culture and Asian history, including the recent tension between Korea and Japan, I think, over an island or something like that. Pretty amazing what all went on during WWII… It makes me feel like what we’re dealing with now is pretty small as far as world conflict goes. Along those lines, it’s amazing to think that Japan, in all of their economic power, is prohibited by treaty from having any offensive military capacity at all. I wonder if we will ever change our minds on that one.

K, I’m outta here. I think I’ll go do some more Seoul-searching…

The Lifeboat We Live In

2005-08-20T02:23:00.000-07:00

I recently finished reading two of Donal Miller’s books. The first was Blue Like Jazz and the Second was Searching for God Knows What. I love both, but they are pretty different. Here are some notes on the second:

Chapter 7 is the most accurate take I have read on how life here on earth is one big example of us all playing the common ice-breaker game, "lifeboat" where we are given a list of people that is greater in number than the available spots on a lifeboat along with brief biographies about them and then how, as a team, we must determine who lives and who dies, or, more poignantly, who is worth more than whom.

Miller takes this analogy and then tells a story about his junior high school experience and how in junior high all the kids are positioning themselves on this priority list at all times. Blonde-haired cheerleaders above tall, athletic looking, soon to be football players, who are above the female soccer players and so on... But, the amazing thing is his observation that we are all doing this all the time, that we are so concerned about our reputation here on this earth, in this world, when what really matters is that according to God, we're all on the lifeboat. We're totally accepted. And so, if that is true of me in God's eyes, why must I wear, so proudly on my sleeve, my career goals and accomplishments, what my kids are up to, and what spiritual acts I've done lately so that everyone realizes how important I am. If God truly has accepted me unconditionally, then who cares what people think on earth? The chapter, and then the whole book, were very freeing from the perspective of understanding God’s heart towards us and his desire to be in a relationship with us as opposed to us feeling like we have to jump through religious hoops to please Him.

Humanitarian Aid, Evangelicals, George Bush, and the Gospel

2005-08-19T02:26:00.000-07:00

This link points to a 35 page document entitled, "The National Security Strategy of the United States of America." It is dated Sept 2002 and basically boils down to the Bush administration's policy paper on why the federal government does what it does when it comes to things like bombing other countries, sending relief and aid to other countries, and protecting us from being bombed by other countries and how all of those things are related. (I hope you catch the sarcasm and lightheartedness in my voice when I use war rhetoric...)
I don't expect you to read it, I didn't get through it myself, but my point for sending it is that I wanted you to experience what I experienced when I read the first half of it, namely, that there's a lot going on in the government. The reason that's noteworthy to me is that I don't often think about politics that way. I watch my typical news shows and read the New York Times and whatever, and I get caught up in what Karl Rove is doing, what idiotic thing Bill Frist said recently that got him uninvited to an event, and how Michael Jackson is holding up during his trial. And, I usually feel like that is everything that is going on. But, when I read documents (or parts of documents) like these, it makes me feel like there is a lot going on that I don't know about. In fact, it makes me feel like the administration and politicians in general recognize two things: 1) they have a big job to do and it must be done, and 2) they have a public to relate with. And number 2 is different than when they relate with the public during a campaign. They also seem to realize that those two things, unfortunately, don't always have to relate to one another because we as the public don't require them to; we have a tendency to take things like celebrity trials a little too seriously and we like to be distracted from the real issues.
Anyway, I love to watch George Bush make a fool of himself on tv and laugh my ass off. But, this policy document is also the first document of it's kind since Reagan's administration that has tied, so tightly together, national security, foreign diplomacy, defense, and international development. And, I like it because why shouldn't all of those things be encompassed into one plan? Why shouldn't we take rice to poor parts of Africa and encourage free market there for the same reason we build missile defense here, try to free those who are suppressed around the world, and try to intervene in genocide that's going on in Sudan? And, this is not to say that I like or am defending any of the actions of the Bush administration thus far, just that I like to see a plan that ties it all together for me. I like to feel like when an organization like Food for the Hungry receives an $8 million grant from the federal gov't to help establish HIV/AIDS programs in Africa it's included in the same plan as to why we are for democracy around the world and we're willing to put our soldiers where our mouth is.

Fuel

2005-08-19T02:24:00.000-07:00

Last night was the first night for a new worship time for the worshippers across the Phoenix valley. It was a time that I was really looking forward to, and my expectations were met and exceeded there, just finally having an extended time to sing aloud in an environment with believers from all different churches. There were two short talks, one on worship and one on unity. Both were good. The music set went something like this: REVOLUTIONARY LOVE…TAKE MY HANDS…O PRAISE HIM…SALVATION…All HAIL THE POWER…PREPARE THE WAY…IT IS YOU…MORE…MADLY…ALL CREATURES…HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD…YOUR LOVE OH LORD…YOUR LOVE IS DEEP…DWELL…JESUS, SAVIOR OF THE WORLD…WE FALL DOWN

Anyway, the reson I like it loud so much, I think, is because my preferred style of worship is much less singing and much more contolled shouting – which is why they don’t put microphones near me. But, I can’t do that in all settings because unless the music is coming out of the speakers loud enough the people around me give me weird looks.

P.S. Approximately 85 people were in attendance tonight. 31 people signed the guest book. Out of those 31 people that signed, there were 17 churches represented from all over the valley. Praise God!

A Blogging Waste of Time

2005-08-18T02:25:00.000-07:00

I don't know if this is really in line with blogging etiqutte, to just talk about blogging, but I keep getting into this conversation lately when people ask me why I haven’t written in a while. So many of my friends have started blogging, which is fine, trends are trends and I can let them have their fun, but my problem is, that I don’t think anyone cares what I have to say. And, a lot of that is based on the fact that I don’t really care what others have to say. I mean, I like to read as much as the next person, but frankly, to “add a bookmark” for all of my friends’ blogs and visit them every day would be a time management nightmare. Besides which, I don’t really feel like that draws me any closer to them in relationship, instead I just get to read what they thought about their most recent dinner and a movie date. When I want to hear what my friends have to say, I should hope that I will ask them, that I will invite them out for a cup of coffee, etc. But I don’t want to get to the point where I know what’s going on in my friends’ heads because I read about them in cyberspace.
The other thing I’m noticing now is that when I do have something to say, I have a lot of things to say. So, I think today I will add four blogs, because screw it, that’s what I say.

Active Cultures...

2005-06-28T14:59:00.000-07:00

In China, they carve watermelons (similar to what we do at Halloween with pumpkins)

Back Yard Landscaping Project: Day 4

2005-06-25T13:22:00.000-07:00

And on the fourth day... the grass and the gravel (that's Southwest speak for 'mulch') were laid bringing the landscaping project almost to completion.

Back Yard Landscaping Project: Day 3

2005-06-23T18:04:00.000-07:00

Not much left to do now... Soon we will be able to enjoy the outside of our home as much as we have enjoyed the inside. Can you tell I'm excited?

Back Yard Landscaping Project: Day 2

2005-06-22T21:05:00.000-07:00

And now, after day 2 of someone else's hard work, we have a little more to show for it. Here is our back yard with newly planted trees, and bricks ready to be turned into our patio tomorrow.

Back Yard Landscaping Project: Day 1

2005-06-21T21:47:00.000-07:00

And, this is what it looks like now, after Day 1:

Things accomplished:
- removal of all those crazy weeds
- digging of holes for trees and shrubs
- installed irrigation and watering system
- marked for patio and grass

Back Yard Landscaping Project: Day 0

2005-06-20T21:39:00.000-07:00

This is probably extremely lame, but owning a house has tricked us into getting very exciting about the little things in life, like being able to leave our car windows down because we have a garage for one, and for two, landscaping. I bring this up now because we have hired out the lanscaping of our backyard. For those of you native to the desert, this is totally normal, but for those of you back east, this might seem a little strange. I agree with you, except for one small thing -- in the east, landscaping is the removal of and control of all the growing stuff that would otherwise be out of control. Here in the land of the sand, landscaping is actually putting stuff in that wouldn't otherwise be there. So, when it comes to planting trees, laying sod, and digging irrigation, we decided that our thumbs just weren't green enough. So, here is what our virgin desert backyard looked like before the workers began their work.

Summer Vacation

2005-06-18T08:16:00.000-07:00

Every summer for the last 25 years Lauren's family (from grandparents on
down) have been visiting Hilton Head Island, South Carolina for a week.
Hilton Head is a resort island off the coast of Savannah, Georgia. On
our way there this year, Lauren and I spent a night and a morning in
downtown Savannah looking around.

Once on the island, we took tennis lessons, played in the Atlantic, and
I was trained and re-trained in the Egan-family card game, Euchre. The
week was excellent, as usual, and it's always sad to come home from
vacation and time with family we only get to see once or twice a year.

Loving Our City...

2005-06-05T19:15:00.000-07:00

A few reasons to love living in Phoenix:
1. Wearing shorts in January
2. Overlooking downtown from a hike in the mountains 5 minutes from our
house
3. The futility of trying to get cold water out of any faucet in the summertime

Trying Again...

2005-06-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

The funny thing about that last post is that I condemn myself for forgetting to say anything for a while. Well, now it's been another 6 monts and here I am, apologizing for not saying anything for a while. But, I've sucked it up and decided to use an entirely different system to handle our web updates. We'll see if this makes it any easier...

Where the Heck Have I Been?

2004-07-13T20:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it's been a long time. Actually, it's been since October 23, which is probably more accurately classified as a very long time. Since arriving in Tempe 9 months ago, tons of stuff has happened, with our church plant, with our jobs, with the roof over our heads… I will do my best to fill you in as concisely as possible.

I concluded the last message with, “I will let you know how the apartment hunt goes…” It went well. With the aid of an apartment finding service we quickly narrowed our choices to three and ultimately went with the one closest to South Mountain Park (a nearby 17,000 acre recreation area) and with the lowest rent. We signed a six-month lease.

We spent the next few weeks staying with the Browns, taking care of relocation business and looking for work. Lauren quickly found a job as a Barista at Starbucks. I, on the other hand, left to go back to Bloomington without a job in Arizona .

After three weeks apart we were excited to be reunited at Thanksgiving. It was sad leaving my first ever “real” job at Indiana University and saying good bye once more to our friends. After the holiday I met my dad in Columbus , OH and he and I drove out to Arizona . That made three trips by car for me from the Midwest to the Southwest.

My dad hung around for a couple days and we did some sightseeing. Lauren worked and I looked for a job, but at Christmastime I still didn't have anything.

We returned home once again for the Christmas Holiday but were back by New Year's.

Shortly after arriving in the Valley of the Sun after the Christmas holiday I was offered a job as a computer teacher. I basically traveled around with a bunch of computer equipment in my car to different after school programs and taught young kids how to click a mouse and type their name. It was fun, but because it was only part time I knew it wouldn't last long.

A few weeks later I was offered a job at Alpha Omega Publications. I started in February doing similar work to what I was doing at IU. Four months after my hire date I have switched jobs once again and am now in the Marketing Department as the Real Time Marketing Manager. I work with the web site trying to increase web sales using various campaigns and techniques.

Our lease ended at our apartment in May so we began looking for a house in March. After only a few 10-hour days spent (by Lauren) with our realtor we found the right one. It is a two-story, 1600 Square Foot mansion in South Phoenix . We have been living there now for a couple months and we love it. It's great to be more stable and to live in a place we actually care about.

We like Phoenix a lot and felt that we were able to commit to at least 5 years here, which is what we needed in order to feel comfortable buying.

All in all it's been a good ride and we're enjoying ourselves. Nothing is ever easy and that includes moving to a new place and starting over with friends and restaurants, but the best things in life usually take a little work to achieve.

Arrival

2003-10-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

Where did I leave off? After updating you Tuesday night we went out for dinner at a place that was recommended to us by the owners of a ski shop in Taos Ski Valley. It is called Tomasitas and it was amazing! Santa Fe is famous for its chili and let me tell you, this hot sauce is out of this world. We split a combo platter and a half liter of their margarita (which were also the best we'd ever had) and the whole meal put us to bed early. Before going to dinner we had planned on heading out on the town afterwards to see what there was to see, but after eating we figured that was that best way to end the day.

Wednesday's drive was longer than Tuesday's but still not too bad. The terrain in Western New Mexico is fairly interesting, and you pass through many Native American Reservations. Most of what you can see of civilization, however, makes the whole state look pretty desolate. Already since we've been here people have told us that's not the best way to see the state.

After crossing the border into Arizona (with some high-fives and ya-hoo's) we soon came to the Petrified Forest National Park and decided to venture through. It was pretty neat how the wood has been totally replaced by colorful quartz, and the Painted Desert that the wood resides in is nothing like we have in Ohio, either. After the interstate we headed on to Flagstaff and I took Lauren for a brief walk around town. We both agree that we really like it there. It's a cute little college town nestled in the mountains and pine trees of the Coconino National Forest. The drive from Flagstaff to Phoenix is basically all down hill has you descend from 7000 to 1000 feet. The vegetation along the interstate reminds you of your descent as you can watch the trees go from tree height down to small bushes and shrubs and then right as you cross the 3000 foot line, there are cacti everywhere.

We arrived in our new home shortly after 4 PM and were welcomed by a small dose of rush hour traffic. Bloomington had rush hour too, but they didn't have a carpool lane, so I think I like Phoenix better already. Scott and his kids welcomed us with smiling faces, a camcorder, and a big sign with our names on it. We felt welcome. Last night we joined the group for Bible study and put the finishing touches on our game plan for today. I'll let you know how the apartment hunt goes...

The Journey

2003-10-21T22:00:00.000-07:00

Today was our second day on the road and it has definitely been the more beautiful of the two. Yesterday we met my aunt and uncle, Ron and Judeen Kutsko for lunch in St. Louis and had some pretty awesome barbeque, although Lauren-Marie isn't much of a fan. Then, for dinner we stopped to visit some friends of mine from long ago who recently bought a new home in Wichita, Kansas. After that we finished our first day of driving in Garden City, Kansas after driving into, and promptly getting out of, Dodge City. This morning we awoke early, ate a small snack and then embarked on the shortest of our three days of driving. We took US-50/400 west across the middle of Kansas and into Colorado where we then headed southwest and then South into New Mexico. At around 2 pm this afternoon we arrived in Taos, New Mexico, a small artists' village nestled in the mountains. Then, after spending the afternoon there we continued south towards Santa Fe and checked into our hotel for the night, the El Rey Inn. Soon we will have an authentic New Mexican meal and then hit the sack.

The drive today from Colorado south into Taos, and then from Taos to Santa Fe were both awe inspiring. Approaching the Rocky Mountains from the Great Plains is a breathtaking journey that I hope I get to do over and over again. After a brief meal and a Rocky Mountain Chocolate caramel apple in Taos, we drove north into Carlson National Forest with Taos Ski Valley as our destination. It looks like a great place to strap on the planks and let gravity do what it does best. Hopefully at some point we will get to do just that.

Halfway through the trip back south and into Santa Fe, our road, NM-68, joined up with the Rio Grande and we got to watch as the highway and the river became traveling companions through a beautiful valley. We made it into Santa Fe just following sunset so we were able to come down from the hillside and see all of the city lights below the mountain range that was outlined by the recently set sun.

It was a beautiful drive on a gorgeous day. We can constantly feel the temperature rising, unless our elevation is unusually high. Living in the Southwest is going to be new and interesting.

Moving On...

2003-10-19T19:27:00.000-07:00

Wow, so for those of you who don't know, it's come time for us to leave the great city of Bloomington, Indiana. We are moving to Tempe, Arizona, another college town a mere 1800 miles away in the much hotter ("but it's a dry heat") southwestern region of the United States. We are leaving because we are following our hearts as they lead us out to become a part of the team that is launching a new church.

A few years ago we met Scott Brown, Associate Pastor of Lauren's parents' church in Cincinnati, and his wife Becky. We quickly became friends. During this past year as the two of them were deciding to move their family to Tempe to start this new church, we were also trying to decide what to do next with our lives following graduation. In May our paths colided as Lauren and I decided to move out there with the Brown's to help out.

The past few months for us have been characterized by temporary housing and a lot of resume sending. The lease from our first apartment expired at the end of August, we house-sat from that time until October 5, and we have been living in a friend's apartment for the past few weeks as she has been out of town. Needless to say, we were ready to get going. So, tomorrow morning, October 20 bright and early we are setting off on this adventure. We will stop along the way to see some sights and have some meals with long distance friends and we plan to arrive in the Phoenix area Wednesday evening in time for dinner. We will stay with some friends out there until we find our own place and then our next priority will be to find a job for Lauren. If there is any time left before November 8, then I will be looking for a job too. I will be back working in Bloomington on Monday, November 10 and will finish up at IU on the 26th, the day before Thanksgiving. Lauren will be flying back for the week and we will spend the holiday with her family in Cincinnati. On Friday, the day after Thanksgiving my dad and I will drive back out to Arizona and then we will be there for good. Our posessions will be sent with movers after I return to Indiana.

We are looking very forward to the move but we also understand that it will be hard at times. We have made some amazing friends here and it has been difficult saying goodbye. Last night we had a wonderful time at a going-away party and it was just amazing to have one last hurrah with our closest friends. We will keep you all posted on our new address and what's going on with us.